Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My inexpensive home security system…
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I hate when that happens.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.