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The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
😜
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness