Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
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It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.