My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Xylophonist Shredding It
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Schrödinger’s cookie
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE