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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints