Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
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Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?