Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
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Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
incredible
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Why I divorced her.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.