You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.