I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
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Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”