It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.