DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me if I was a dog
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster