[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The prophecy is fulfilled
If you know, you know
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”