yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
You Might Also Like
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
birds and squirrels envy us
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.