Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving