When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I beg your pardon?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.