I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*