*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
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You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.