wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
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ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
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“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first