There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Breaking news:
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”