After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
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When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
dutch so unserious
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
plant them where lol
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him