Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
2022: I can fix it