Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
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Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know