I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
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Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani