I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
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I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
😲 WTF? 😆