“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Worth remembering.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
hmm conte-me mais
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.