How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My brain is a bad influence on me
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.