Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
if my sleeping schedule was a person
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
So, can we agree on 4 or
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.