hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
This raises questions
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.