date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
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Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor