me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
This bar smells like my childhood.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Bringing home a sharpie
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*