Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it