Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
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went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Beauty and the Beast
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking