‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
When I snag the last meatball.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.