6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
For anyone who needs this today
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*