I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.