PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*