Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
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At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
This week’s mood.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.