iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
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This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
#SuperBowl
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]