Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”