How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
You Might Also Like
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics