it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
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My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago