I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training