[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.