if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
True
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg