I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
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The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
She was REALLY feeling it.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.