[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
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All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.