lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
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My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
one last job
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT