What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.