There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
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My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
The pasta is now
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.