shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
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“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered